Self-Compassion for Type-A Personalities
If you are like me and your Instagram feed is full of self-improvement, professional development, & leadership memes, self-compassion is probably on your radar.
As a person who falls into the self-diagnosed “Type-A” category and has a good deal of my identity wrapped up in my grit & grind, self-compassion sounds like…a nice idea, a little bit fluffy, a “nice to have,” but not something that would go on the top of my “growth & development skill-building” list.
Self-compassion can’t be that important, can it?!?!
The science says, “Yes. Actually, it is that important.”
“Research indicates that self-compassion is strongly associated with psychological well-being [Neff, 2009]. Higher levels of self-compassion are linked to increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity, and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination, and fear of failure.
Because self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors, and take on new challenges.*”
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading expert on the study of self-compassion, defines self-compassion as, “the process of turning compassion inward.” Sounds simple, but let’s unpack it a little bit.
Recognition of Suffering: The act of being compassionate, to yourself or others, presupposes and requires the ability to recognize suffering and discomfort.
Empathy: If recognition of suffering is the first step toward compassion, empathy is the second. Compassion is when the recognition of suffering emotionally moves the observer in an empathetic way.
Compassion vs. Pity: Compassion requires an acknowledgment of shared humanity. Pity is feeling sad or sorry for someone’s suffering. Compassion is that emotional response, combined with the knowledge that we are all vulnerable to such suffering. As Neff beautifully wrote, “ If what you feel is true compassion rather than simply pity, you may say to yourself, “There but for the grace of God go I. If I’d been born in different circumstances, or maybe had just been unlucky, I might also be struggling to survive. We’re all vulnerable.”
Dr. Neff’s Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment:
"Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.” - Neff
Common Humanity vs. Isolation:
“Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.” - Neff
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification:
“Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.” - Neff
Dr. Neff et al’s research on self-compassion is extensive. If you are interested in learning more, we recommend visiting her website, self-compassion.org. and Googling her name at Pubmed, the National Institute of Health’s public database of scientific articles.
Why is Self-Compassion So Difficult?
So, if we can accept what the science says - that self-compassion is good for you, makes you more resilient to failure, and protects against depression & anxiety - why is it so damn hard to actually DO?!?!
The fact is that we talk to ourselves more than any other person, and for most of us, the conversation is repetitive and not very positive.
“According to the National Science Foundation, the average person has about 12,000 to 60,00 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before, and about 80% negative.”
Why is self-compassion so difficult? Most of us have A LOT of practice being a**holes to ourselves - like a lot a lot of practice. So much practice that most of us are not even consciously aware of how mean we can be to ourselves in our inner dialogue.
Retraining our inner dialogue is like any other arduous task. It takes training, time, repetition, and a lot of conscious effort.
Awareness: Simply noticing when your self-talk takes a nasty turn is a step in the right direction.
Pivot & Reframe: When a stream of thought comes into your mind. Pause and think, “Is what I am thinking true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?” Consider, Would I say this to my best friend? Would I say this to my child?” Then finally, consider, “What would I say to someone that I care about? How would I be helpful to that person?”
Actually Practice: No matter how silly it feels, you have to practice being nice to yourself. For real. You have to actually talk to yourself in a kind, empathic, thoughtful way. EVEN. IF. IT. FEELS. TERRIBLY. AWKWARD. And you have to do it over and over and over and over again. Training behavior is exactly like training muscles.
Baseline: How Self-Compassionate Are You?
When you are reflecting on a behavior and/or considering a change, it is always helpful to have some idea of your current “baseline.” Each one of us is different, with a unique blend of biology & lived experience.
When it comes to taking your “self-compassion temperature,” let’s go back to the expert. Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassion Index has been used in hundreds of research studies around the world. Curious? Take the test! It’s free! Linked HERE.
Having it All
We would like to propose that we can be both kind and effective, both driven and compassionate.
If we take Dr. Neff’s research to heart, it would suggest that it is not only possible to be “both, and,” but that compassion & self-compassion have the potential to accelerate growth, by making us more resilient to the necessary failures and discomforts of progress & learning. Worth a try, don’t you think?
XO,
Failure Lab Training
*The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself, Neff, Hum Dev. 2009 Jun; 52(4): 211–214.
**Negative Self-Talk: Don't Let It Overwhelm You, Psychology Today, Dec 2017